Below The Root Line

The things that people think they know about food occasionally make the nutritionist in me want to cry. Or sit right down on the floor in Panera and laugh until I cry. Or both.

For example, Sunday I had a couple in with their college-age daughter.

Woman: Yes, I'd like a You-Pick-Two with chicken noodle soup and a Turkey Apple Cheddar.
Me: Sure. Would you like bread, potato chips, or an apple as your side?
Woman: Oh, not bread! I'm don't want to eat any wheat!
Me: ...Okay, I think I might have typed in your order wrong. You wanted the chicken noodle soup?
Woman: (Nods vigorously.) Yes.
Me: And the Turkey Apple Cheddar Sandwich?
Woman: Right. What kind of bread is that on? Is it gluten free?
Me: (Bites my tongue, then answers very politely.) Unfortunately, no. We don't have any gluten free bread.
Woman: Oh, well what kind of bread do you have that doesn't have a lot of wheat in it?
Me, in my head: Do you even know what bread IS? And if you're trying to avoid wheat, shouldn't you not be getting a *noodle* soup?
Me, out loud: Um, well, we can do the flatbread, which will be a little lighter than most of our other breads. Or maybe sourdough???
Woman: Oh, yes, sourdough would be good! That doesn't have a lot of wheat in it!
Me: ...
Me: Okay. So an apple for your side, then?

This morning, I was doing something else and listened to the GM ring in a couple.

Husband: I want an egg white breakfast sandwich on ciabatta.
Wife: I'll have the same thing, but on an asiago bagel. But can you have them burn it, first?
GM: Well, it doesn't actually get toasted - it goes on the panini press.
Wife: Yes, but I want them to burn it.
Husband: Mine, too.
GM: ...We can grill it a second time.
Husband: (Sounding very pleased with himself.) Good. Do you know why we want them burned?
GM: No, I don't.
Husband: Because there's sugar in bread. And if you burn it, you burn all the sugar out!
GM: Here's your pager.
GM to me, after they walk away: You make me ring the crazy ones on purpose, don't you.

And the one that always makes me want to bang my head against a wall.

Woman: Yes, I need a plain bagel, toasted with cream cheese. But I need it to be just the tops of two bagels - my son has a nut allergy.
Me: (Tries REALLY hard not to look at her like she's got two heads.) Just the tops of two plain bagels, toasted?
Woman: Right. That way it won't have come in contact with any nuts or anything.
Me, in my head: THAT'S NOT HOW THAT WORKS!!! HOW HAVE YOU NOT KILLED THAT POOR CHILD?!??!
Me, out loud: Have you had the 'manager speech' about allergies? You know we can't guarantee -...
Woman: (casually waving me off) Oh, it's fine. We do it all the time!
Me: Okay... (cuts bagel by hand with a clean bread knife and asks for it to be put on the panini press with fresh grill papers instead of through the toaster... because it's the best we can do, even if she doesn't care.)

Note: Bakers don't change gloves, etc. when dealing with raw bagel dough. Everything gets baked on the same trays. Bagels get piled haphazardly in baskets 'European style', and then dropped through the slicer into the slicer tray in every which direction they please. Then through the toaster, again, in any which direction. I hold my breath every time that family comes in and pray the kid doesn't have a seizure in the dining room because there was nut exposure in there anywhere!!

Anyway, there is no point to this except that I have spent the last three days all but gaping at the sheer astonishing bizarreness of people and the things they think they know. Thought everyone else might enjoy it, too... (especially since you don't have to keep a straight face!!).

*Title is a reference to a class I took in college where some of my fellow students believed that root vegetables were veggies that grew "below the root line", which they seemed to believe was something like the Mason Dixon Line... it was a loooong semester.